the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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