so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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