God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
