Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
