why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
