So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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