I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
