everyone is single if you try hard enough
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
