seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
