Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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