Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
