I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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