I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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