I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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