Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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