"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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