but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
