No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
