The maid of honor just puked.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
