whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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