Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
