Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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