She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize