he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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