I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
