if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
