Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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