dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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