I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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