i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
