i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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