I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
