Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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