so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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