oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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