When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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