She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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