Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
