there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Two words: blizzard sex
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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