It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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