We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Damn victory sex feels great
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
