Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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