You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
