Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
