I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
