I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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