Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize