I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Life is so much better after having sex.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
