some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
