toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
