i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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