There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
