I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
