My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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