2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
