Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I will be naked everywhere
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
