Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
