1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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